When your friend loses a child.

This week, I had two very different conversations with two very near and dear friends on the same topic. Me.

I got a card from one friend thanking me for my friendship and apologizing because she felt like she hasn’t been a good friend to me. She admitted wanting to be there for me through the loss of my son, but didn’t know how to support me. She asked if I wanted to talk about, not talk about it, laugh, cry, whatever. She honestly revealed that she had an inner fear of making a difficult time even harder. 

The other friend texted me that she feels like I don’t care about our friendship because she felt ignored and that I’ve lacked effort. I apologized for anything I did or didn’t do, told her it wasn’t intentional, and reminded her that it’s been a tough year and I have a hard time doing much of anything. She informed me that she’s tried to not take it personal but couldn’t ignore the last few months. She gets that I’ve been through a lot, but can see that I’ve changed.

If you’ve taken the time to read this far, please keep going because this is important. There is no timetable to grief, there is no manual on how it’s supposed to go, and there’s no way to understand the situation unless you’ve experienced it. This holds true for all types of experiences.

This pain is something no one should experience. The same goes for the subsequent burden of having to validate it to others.

Friends – please know that I love and appreciate you all. I know you don’t know how to deal with this kind of loss or even maybe how I’ve changed. Neither do I. There’s not an ounce of my being that holds you responsible for that. My only hope is that as you are on this journey with me, that you walk it with patience and maybe a little persistance. 

It’s been 6.5 months since Luca died, and it feels like we’re at a whole new crossroad with reality. It’s hard and it’s painful. Your prayers, support, honesty, love, and patience means more than you know. 

I hope this helps anyone who has a friend going through what we are. 

– Megan

7 thoughts on “When your friend loses a child.

  1. I realize, you don’t know me, but I have hurt for both you and AJ, for all you have been through. I hope you know that there is a whole community behind you to love and support you. I have no idea how you deal with your loss and go on day to day, but I hope you two come through stronger as a couple. If you ever need anything, the Lord will guide you.

  2. Dear Megan,
    I’ve been following you since before Luca passed away. As a mom, I feel connected to your grief but in a different way. In August 2012, I was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. I have a 10 year old son and a 7 year old princess. Every day I deal with the grief of not knowing what milestones I’ll get to experience with them. Watching them graduate from college or get married seems like an impossible dream. I live day by day, focusing on a week at a time. And yes, others will never know the pain in our hearts or understand why we cherish the small things in life. Life is so fragile and precious. My heart and prayers are with you and AJ. God Bless

  3. You are a very strong woman. You have felt the pain that no mother wants to feel. You have the right to grieve as long as you want. When my cousin lost his son a few years ago I didn’t know what to say to him and his wife out of fear of making them feel worse than they already did. But time made everything a bit easier. The pain never goes away and neither do true friends.

  4. Mega we love you from a far and walk with you on your journey.As you say there is no time table to grieve, you are now on a life long journey to acceptance, but you will never ever be the same. You like my mum will for ever be waiting to be re united. Friends take patience, Megan is there but now forever changed, so be it after the loss of a child. With love and blessings xxx

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

  5. It’s funny that you write this because at times I’ve thought “man-it’s time Megan moves on.” But then I think “what if that were my child?” and I think I’d be right there with you! Nothing can be more HEARTbreaking than losing a child. The WAY you lost your child is HEARTbreaking. Having to go through this so publicly is HEARTbreaking. Having your husband so busy with his career while you guys go through this is HEARTbreaking. So who’s to say what is right? There is no right…you are healing…you are bringing awareness…you are an inspiration…we❤️you for that!

  6. My wound is pretty fresh. I went into preterm labor feb 13 and lost my little man. It sucks when you want people to be there for you and leave you alone at the same time. When you want to get one with life, but don’t want time to pass either. You kind of just need time to sit still while you sort things out, but it doesn’t. One thing I always remember is my nurse telling me I’ll have days where I feel good and something will happen that’ll just bring me to square one again. She’s been right several times. There is no timeline for grief. And no way to explain to people how you can be ok and not ok all at the same time. I pray the people in your life begin to understand that they probably won’t ever get it unless they go through it, but that they can be patient. I’m having the same trouble. People think I should be back to business as usual. They don’t get when I just have a sad day. They say I have lack of faith. But they just don’t know. This is a wound I’m sure will never heal.

  7. The path you walk is so identical that it feels like déjà vu. I can promise you Luca will forever be remembered. Take care of YOU. Can’t imagine doing experiencing this as a public figure.

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